But I am le tired.

I'm not going anywhere because I am poor and can't afford to fill up my gas tank. Actually, that's not totally true. I'm only slightly poor, and really, it's because I have to drive all over God's green earth to do anything, and gas is literally costing me my retirement.

I guess some days you just have to be lazy.

I want this shirt. That is all.

Believe it or not, it's just me.

2008 sucks.

And I'm not sorry for being so blunt.

My dad died on January 21, after complications from surgery. It was totally unexpected. It was totally heartbreaking.

For most of my life, I never felt very close to my dad. As a preschooler, I spent days with my mom and evenings with my dad, but I was so young, I don't really have any memories of it.....at least no specific memories. When we lived in Mason, my dad worked in Florence, so to me, by the time he was home from work, I was already in bed. He WAS there, I know, to support me in anything I wanted to do. I danced, he was at my recitals. I swam, he went to my competitions. I (attempted) to play basketball, he (attempted to have the patience) to coach me. By the time we moved to Kentucky, I was on my way into middle school and my parents had their hands full with my preschool aged sisters. Middle school lead to high school, which led to college, and I grew up and away from my family.

My dad and I had our bonds, though. He bought me a Snoopy on the day I was born- something I still have to this day. We both had a love of astronomy (although his love was scientific, and and mine is more philosphical). We both geeked out over sci-fi (Dad: books. Brooke: movies). We loved useless trivia, and would "compete" while we watched Jeopardy. We both couldn't live without music, and we had "our song"- the theme song to The Greatest American Hero (oh, you know you know it). As I got older, we were able to really just talk. We had good talks.

It's been ten years since I've lived with my family. Most of those 10 years, I lived in either Lexington or Orlando, so it's not like I even saw them (or see them) everyday. I try to pretend that I'm living out of the city, or my dad's doing some work in India again, so I can explain away my dad's absence from my life.

Some days, its just really hard. I think about him every day. It's always bittersweet, happy thoughts. Well, almost always. Sometimes I get angry at him for leaving, but I suppose there has to be a reason. My drive to and from work and to and from school are the worst- despite the stupid Cincinnati traffic, my mind still wanders, and it usually wanders to him. I can't really listen to WGRR, because it was my dad's favorite station. Thinking about the Buckeyes is hard, because my dad loved them. At the Reds game I went to earlier this season, I thought about how much he would have enjoyed going, even though we lost. It kills me that I know I had 28 years with him, but my sisters only had 21 and 19. I hate that he left my mom alone, after 31 years of marriage. It breaks my heart to know that he'll never walk his daughters down the aisle, he'll never be a grandpa, he wasn't there to support my mom when her mom died on April 7th.

Today was a BAD DAY. Today, I just really miss my Dad.

Mom and Dad, Thanksgiving 2007. My mom would kill me if she knew I put this up.

You're giving me nightmares.

So, for the last week or so, I've been dreaming about this guy, David Cook. Apparently, he's from American Idol. I don't watch it (it is, after all, realitytvmyownpersonalhellomg), but my coworkers do, and therefore discuss it, well, every day that ends in y. He never has an "important" role in my dreams, yet he's always there, and making me question my sanity. Why this dude? Really.

I'm seriously exhausted. I got about 4 hours of sleep last night, and I've come to the realization that I'm not the rockstar I used to be. In college and living in Florida, I could stay out all night, go to class, work, and go out again and I still graduated from college with honors. My age is definitely catching up with me. After drinking more than my fair share of alcohol, work today was hellacious. My hangover lunch at work was a Diet Coke and tortilla chips. Delicious AND stomach settling!!!

Last night, I spent some time with a few of the NoKY college kids. We went to Uno's and the Midway Cafe, and ate and drank and sang loudly with songs on the jukebox....and generally made fools of ourselves. I'm truly thankful that these people are in my life. They were some of the first people to accept me for who I am - the entire shy, slightly insane, music nerd, geeky package. Their acceptance helped me to accept myself, and I'll love them forever for that. When I made the decision to move back to Kentucky after 4 years in Florida, I was worried about reestablishing friendships with people that I had had limited contact with for so long, but I know now that I should have never worried. The minute I came back, it was like I had never left. They really are wonderful. :) [/nerdy gushing]

We might all be dorky, but dammit, we're dorky TOGETHER! Note to the wise: do not get drunk at a pumpkin patch/petting zoo. You might get kicked out.

Apparently, I'm still drunk.

I hope my post made some sense, spelling mistakes and all.

Drunkenly waxing philosophically about friends

I love my friends. They knew me before I knew me. They know the real Brooke, and they still love me. I don't think I could ask for better friends- from those that live in California, or Chicago, or Florida, to those who live in the area. After all the crap I've been through, particularly in the past through months, they're still there for me. They've put up with my mood swings, my emo-ness, my anger, my drama, my EVERYTHING. And they still care.

Knowing that truly makes me heart sing. It's wonderful to know that the shit I've been through, the failures, the rejection, the sadness.... I still have people beside me.

I love my friends fiercely. I would give my life for them. It's truly a loss if you don't have that.


I will also be feeling like shit in the morning.

Not sober.

It's 10:15pm on Friday night and I'm in bed. And I'm totally happy about it.

Tonight, we went to see Lauren's Senior Show at the Act Academy. Her work is amazing. She's been using paper as her medium, and her papercutting is so beautiful. Her work is about death- something that she and I have bonded over a lot lately. Lauren's been a great souce of inspiration and ...relation..., especially since January. Between my dad and grandma's death and her grandpa's death, we've been able to talk and to take our friendship to a deeper level. I think it's been beneficial for both of us. I know it has been for me. I hope it's been for her, too.

I'm hoping that when I feel more sober, I'll write more about her show, and maybe post some pictures. All I can say is that her show and my recent doodles have been absolutely theraputic.

They were serving wine at the show, and that coupled with the beers I had a Dewey's after the show, and I have to say... I'm a bit drunk. It might not have helped that I've taken enough allergy pills to last me until 2075. I'm either going to sleep like a rock tonight, or not wake up tomorrow. Just sayin'.

This post has taken me way to long to type. I'm working on making sure that my spelling isn't too terrible. I hope it's not.

One last thing..... Obama opened up is NoKY office this week. It's looking good- I'm really hoping that I can help out and make a difference with them.

Damn, damn, damn.

I quickly spiraling into one of my emo moods. I hate it when I get this way.

I feel so unbelieveably lonely.
I miss my dad. A lot.
I'm exhausted.
I just want you to pay attention to me.
I want to know what the hell is going on.
I'm tired of being heartbroken.
I want to understand.

Bronson Arroyo at the Reds/Brewers game on April 18, 2008. I love me some former Red Sox players.

One sucky thing about living in the Ohio River Valley: sinus issues. I really feel like my head is about to explode.

I have plans to be a bit more exciting... soon.

I'm pretty sure I need a nap.

Time: 10:51am
Location: Psychology computer lab, Northern Kentucky University
Mood: Apathetic. (Ok, not really.)

I feel better than I did yesterday. Well, at least about some things.

That is all.

No more of this business.

I'm really just trying to understand things. I'm failing miserably. There's too much to figure out, I suppose.

Photo: Children's Wing of Waverly Hills Sanatorium. Louisville, Kentucky.

Meh. The first.

This is mostly an attempt to put some of my hobbies to good use. And apparently, by good use, I mean putting my hobbies on the internet for the world to see.

In other words, this is one of those ridiculous "test post" posts.